Turns out I’ve been going about this pitch writing business all wrong. What you have to do is fill it with loads of clichés and self praise and ensure you have a nice ‘hook’ at the end which shows how it can be converted into a big budget Hollywood blockbuster with relative ease.
The first step is devising a nice punchy opener. Something along the following lines is advisable ….
“My book is about Raven Delamort, a sexually oppressed emo chick who doesn’t realise how hot she is. Having just begun classes in some random high school you’ve never heard of, Raven gets dragged into a bunch scenarios that a couple of other people have already written bestsellers about.”
This will show the agent that you really know what you’re talking about and have thoroughly researched the market.
Then what you have to is launch into a few dozen cliché ridden phrases to really get the heart pumping i.e. “Epic coming of age tale, fast paced, average teenager, Robert Pattinson, intriguing, everyday issues, Megan Fox, sexually domineering, blockbuster, strange magical powers, vampire etc. etc. etc.” Just keep firing them out one after another for at least three pages until the reader is totally overwhelmed by your awesomeness.
At this point you’re guaranteed to have them hooked but it’s not over yet, now you need to close the show in style. This necessitates hitting them with a nice catchy title that shows how it will really appeal to the literati. Don’t be afraid to work in a few of your tried and trusted clichés again here … you know just in case somebody missed a couple first time round.
“FIFTY SHADES OF TWILIGHT AND THE PHILOSOPHERS’s STONE is an intriguing and fast paced erotic fantasy. It’s an epic coming of age tale exploring everyday issues such as how an average teenager who doesn’t fit in with the popular kids deals with discovering she has strange magical powers after falling in love with a sexually domineering vampire. FIFTY SHADES OF TWILIGHT AND THE PHILOSOPHERS’s STONE is suitable for conversion to a Sci-Fi blockbuster starring Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox.”
Oh and P.S. if you have time to botch together a cover involving Robert Pattinson staring soulfully into the camera and Megan Fox looking, well, like Megan Fox, it certainly won’t hurt ….
Coming to a cinema near you!