3 Simple Ways to Create a Successful Blog

Ever wonder why your blog is languishing with a mere 50 hits a day despite all your kick ass content and awesome, well constructed musings? Well fear not! Just follow these three steps and you’ll be enjoying bandwidth issues and server crashes in no time!

Step 1. Stick up a picture of Robert Pattinson.

r patIt’s just that simple! Seriously, take a look at my stats, BP and AP – And yeah I know they’re pants, but, I believe the more erudite amongst us should be able to extrapolate.

  • Before Pattinson – 15 hits per day mainly from the missus and next door neighbour.
  • After Pattinson – 250 per day.

As you can no doubt discern, that’s a twentyfold increase off just one picture. It stands to reason that putting up 655 pictures of R-Pat (especially ones where he’s looking particularly vampirey) will result in a minimium of 163, 750 hits per day.

Now, admittedly most of those hits will be down to horny teenage twilight fans doing Google searches for “Robert Pattinson moody,” or “Sexy Vampire Robert,”  which I’m guessing is not exactly your target audience (well unless you’re gunning for the cream of the literati) but hey it’s a start right?

Step 2. Once you have enough Robert Pattinson pictures to be generating 163, 750 hits per day its time to take it up a notch.  Yup, that’s right, time to talk about how much you’re loving Game of Thrones.

Game of ThronesUnfortunately actually talking about something is a bit more involved than prowling for pictures of R-Pat – it actually requires a modicum of writing ability. But, hey isn’t that what blogging is supposed to be about anyway? Besides, today’s skilful blogger can always find ways around actually attempting to analyse the intricacies of GRRM’s plot by simply talking about the Game of Thrones TV series instead. Score!!

(N.B)  Repeatedly mention HBO’s tendancy to overdo the sex scenes, and fire up at least a half dozen pictures of cast members refering to how perfectly suited they are to their respective roles. (HINT) Focus particularly on:

Tyrion Game of ThronesDany

Dany Targaryen Jon Snow

Jon Snowand Sansa

Sansa StarkYou can mix Sansa up with Arya if you want to keep people on their toes, oh, and while you’re at it if you accidently slip in another pic of Robert Pattinson looking particularly pale and Vampire-like no harm done.

vampire pattinsonStep 3. If after having done all the above you still haven’t reached the million a day mark don’t lose hope! There is one final uber trick in the bag … Write a crappy blog post with a title something along the lines of “3 simple ways to create a successful blog” Post a link to it up on twitter, sit back and enjoy the show!

Comments (33)

  1. Genius! Now why didn’t I think of it first? I’m not at all prepared to even think about Game of Thrones, much less discuss it, but I’m sure a few photos of R.P. will do the trick, regardless.

  2. DM

    Number three is especially apt. 😉

  3. Darliane

    i wish i could write as well as you do in your blog

  4. youknowyourname

    hahaha you had me at ‘Stick up a pic of Robert pattinson’

  5. lol an ingenious strategy why didn’t I think of it before??

  6. The Missus

    Thought I’d add my two cents worth (whatever that actually means!).

    Haven’t you forgotten the zombies?!

    Another great post darling! x

  7. Hilarious and rather depressing post! Off to get some R.P. pics now 🙂

  8. This is fantastic advice! I have to find the most emo looking picture of RP I can find and put it on my blog straight away!

    Seriously, a very funny post. Thanks for making me smile 🙂

  9. Brilliant..! All I could talk about on mine yesterday was cake. Hmm…how about a cake of thrones with a marzipan RP in the main seat? Right. Not quite getting it am I…?

  10. Lol – fantastic ideas! I did something similar to the Robert Pattinson thing with a picture of Morten Harket – it’s amazing how many people are still searching for 80s pop idols 🙂

  11. I loved this! Especially Step3! You could hire yourself out as a blog consultant now… the guru of the 3 steps… your fortune awaits!

  12. Thank goodness your blog content wasn’t as serious as the title. Great fun, thanks for the chuckle. It’s been an otherwise @#$% day.

  13. ROTFL – putting up that R-Pat pic’s a brilliant idea! Alas, I must be the only human on the planet who’s not read Game of Thrones. (I know: blasphemy.) And you’re so right about point #3 – so many times I’ve clicked on a promising link, hoping to learn something worthwhile, and it’s just words, words, meaningless words enlightening no one. Bah.
    Some Dark Romantic

    • Dave

      Everytime i check my stats and see another hit from google images saying Robert Pattinson vampire” I smile and shake my head in one.

  14. MWD

    You are a genious Sir.

  15. GrumpyBastard

    ROFLMAO! Want a shitload of hits? Just post an image of Robert Pattinson looking emo … Just did an image seach for “Robert Pattinson Vampire” to see if you’re bullshitting but nope its right there lol GENIUS! Well done sir 😉

  16. Tom

    Your next article should be titled “30 hot asses that should be made into works of fiction”.

  17. Dave

    @ MWD and Grumpy … I can never have enough people using the words ‘sir’ and ‘genius’ in one comment – please continue

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  19. Clem

    wow. this blog is truly a gold mine. i will actually try these tips and let you know how they work out! thanks again mate.

  20. Only wanna tell that this is very useful , Thanks for taking your time to write this.

  21. I love it! An even more awesome way to make your post go viral is to use the word ‘scandal’ in the headline. I did that recently, to headline a perfectly innocuous post, and 1300 crazy people hit it in three hours. It seems some scrofulous site had picked up my post and it had gone viral.

    Not one of those visitors joined my email list, of course, And three left spam comments of delightful obscenity.

    Go viral? Forget it…

    • Dave

      Scandal + (insert the world’s most currently popular celebrity name here) = viral + loads of spam … got it!! (And my maths teacher said I could handle equations)

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