There’s a hell of a lot of wannabe authors out there all competing against me in the bid to become the next George R.R. Martin. A mean spirited fecker would likely do his utmost to discourage the competition, and give them bad advice to put them on the wrong track. Not me though – in fact I’m such a nice guy, that I thought I’d give ye all a heads up and let ye know a bunch of secrets that all the top authors use.

I strongly advise any aspiring authors to follow these steps to the letter.

Tip 1. First and foremost, and this is very important – if somebody gives you a bad review, make sure you bitch and moan about it as much as possible. Reply to said person informing them of their idiocy and poor taste. Advise them that if they had read your masterpiece properly they would realise that the ‘suspicious resemblance’ they pointed out between your lead character and Harry Potter is nothing but a figment of their imagination.

My boy wizard is nothing like your boy wizard

Tip 2. Add as much back-story as possible. Agents love reading reams and reams of back-story.

For example if you’re writing a historical romance based in Victorian England, don’t worry about pacing, characterisation or anything like that … at least not for the first 500 pages or so anyway. Just ensure that before the reader is introduced to your main character they have at least a working knowledge of the following:

• The intricacies of “The Royal Marriage Act of 1722” – including the rationale behind it, the provisions and revisions thereof and notable couples effected by it.
• The role of parliament within the English constitutional framework. Of particular note being the relationship between Houses of Commons, Lords and various Royal personages and apartments
• The shifting affiliations between church and state including but not limited to detailed extrapolations on the theoretical results of differing outcomes of the first, second and third English civil wars. It may also be necessary to diverge into an analysis of the events leading up to said wars and additional musings on why the term ‘civil war’ may not in fact be applicable to the third of the three conflagrations.

People love reading lots and lots of backstory

Tip 3. Once your readers are sufficiently impressed with your page turning style, you should think about  introducing your main character. The best way to do this is to look at the type of characters that are popular right now, and make yours as similiar to them as possible. E.g.

Main character: “Raven Delamort” – A shy reclusive teenage girl with overbearing parents, that don’t understand her.

Love interest A: Brad Sexington – An in your face rebellious teen, with rugged good looks who refuses to bend to the conventions and limitations of early Victorian society.

Love interest B: Lord Wellington Pugsworthy – A balding, heavyset old man, who owns half of Dorset. He’s known to enjoy drinking, wenching and the hunt, is rumoured to be recovering from a nasty case of the clap and tends to break wind at table somewhat more than is appropriate.

Yup, with such a set of unique and multifaceted characters, and with the reader’s new knowledge of pre and early Victorian England, the rest of the novel will pretty much write itself and you can sit back and watch those royalty checks pour in. Score!