Are you fed up with having too many twitter followers? I know, it’s a complete pain in the ass ain’t it? Well fear not! If you wanna get back to the good old days when you were followed by nothing but your pet hamster and a few loyal sock puppets here’s 8 simple ways to get me at least to click that glorious ‘Un-follow!’
1. Send me a direct message saying you have a video of me having sex with an ostrich. (Works 100% of the time)
2. Avoid trying to introduce yourself, just immediately launch into an attempt to flog me your book/product. Yup, that’s right, dispense with all this, “Hi, how are you?” nonsense, I mean what’s the point? Just go straight for the jugular with a patented and highly original, “Pleeeease buy my Book! My mom gave it 5 stars!!”
3. Say “Thanks for the RT!” and then refuse to reciprocate – RT’s are for suckers.
4. Tweet the names of everybody who un-followed you, (this is a real good way of showing your class and guaranteed to get results).
5. Flood my twitter stream with two dozen links to your product and how amazing it is. I just love this sort of thing.
6. Follow me and then try to get me to jump through some ‘true tweet’ hoops to prove I’m not a robot when I go to follow you back.
7. Tell me what you had for breakfast EVERY SINGLE MORNING – I adore hearing about what some guy I never heard of had with his coffee. It really makes my day.
8. Tell me why Obama is better than Romney (or vice-versa) and then when I say I’m not American continue to advise me on how the national debt could be lowered and how rising unemployment could be dealt with … Yes, yes that’s all very interesting, I’ll be sure to remember your sage words, please tell me more.