How To Write a Pitch

Turns out I’ve been going about this pitch writing business all wrong. What you have to do is fill it with loads of clichés and self praise and ensure you have a nice ‘hook’ at the end which shows how it can be converted into a big budget Hollywood blockbuster with relative ease.

The first step is devising a nice punchy opener. Something along the following lines is advisable ….

“My book is about Raven Delamort, a sexually oppressed emo chick who doesn’t realise how hot she is. Having just begun classes in some random high school you’ve never heard of, Raven gets dragged into a bunch scenarios that a couple of other people have already written bestsellers about.”

This will show the agent that you really know what you’re talking about and have thoroughly researched the market.

Then what you have to is launch into a few dozen cliché ridden phrases to really get the heart pumping i.e. “Epic coming of age tale, fast paced, average teenager, Robert Pattinson, intriguing, everyday issues, Megan Fox, sexually domineering, blockbuster, strange magical powers, vampire  etc. etc. etc.” Just keep firing them out one after another for at least three pages until the reader is totally overwhelmed by your awesomeness.

At this point you’re guaranteed to have them hooked but it’s not over yet, now you need to close the show in style. This necessitates hitting them with a nice catchy title that shows how it will really appeal to the literati. Don’t be afraid to work in a few of your tried and trusted clichés again here … you know just in case somebody missed a couple first time round.

So …

“FIFTY SHADES OF TWILIGHT AND THE PHILOSOPHERS’s STONE is an intriguing and fast paced erotic fantasy. It’s an epic coming of age tale exploring everyday issues such as how an average teenager who doesn’t fit in with the popular kids deals with discovering she has strange magical powers after falling in love with a sexually domineering vampire. FIFTY SHADES OF TWILIGHT AND THE PHILOSOPHERS’s STONE is suitable for conversion to a Sci-Fi blockbuster starring Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox.”

Oh and P.S. if you have time to botch together a cover involving Robert Pattinson staring soulfully into the camera and Megan Fox looking, well, like Megan Fox, it certainly won’t hurt ….

Coming to a cinema near you!

Comments (12)

  1. The Missus

    Pure genius!!! Cannot beat the coming of age bit!!


  2. Elise Fallson

    OMG! How can I pre-order this next blockbuster!
    Also, Robert PattinsonFox <=== to make sure people read my comment. 😛

  3. Chris

    so that’s where I’ve been going wrong!!

  4. So funny! Thanks for the laugh. I bet that was a fun post to write.

  5. 😉

    Love it… let me add: Beautiful Creatures and Hunger Games.

    “…. a reality show about glittering witches who sacrifice teens … while spouting pseudo-intellectual, counter-factual mumbo jumbo…. ”

    thanks for the Combox!

  6. OK ok you mad me laugh.
    One of the first people to ever read Pulse Of heroes told me that she has a hard time in the beginning because someone told her that it was like Twilight (NOT) but she confided that after she stopped waiting for the “vampire to pop into the story” she reread it from the beginning and love it. And yet when I have to brand my book with only a few words I am confined to what you mention :s catch 22.

    BTW here is the link the the review that she eventually left for my book. (May I mention that her baby daughter’s name is Bella) this is her first sentence:
    “I really don’t understand the comparison to Twilight other than the romance between a teenage girl and an non-aging being”

  7. Hehehe. You hit the head on the nail, bud. After seeing many of my own books savaged by a reviewer who merely read the blurb (not even the excerpt) and then tried to make it into a sage review, I have to laugh at yhour insights. It’s all a matter of the well-placed cliché. And I speak as a writer who gave up the review game about 3 months ago for the very reasons you imply in your blog.

  8. Elise Fallson

    Dave. The amount of dust on your blog right could be considered a fire hazard, just sayin’. Miss your posting.

    • Dave

      You’re so right, Elise no time, no time!!! grrr I WILL get something up here before the week is out!!!! Hope all is well with you btw will pop round to your gaff the moment I get a chance!!

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