Archives for : Robert Pattinson

How To Write a Pitch

Turns out I’ve been going about this pitch writing business all wrong. What you have to do is fill it with loads of clichés and self praise and ensure you have a nice ‘hook’ at the end which shows how it can be converted into a big budget Hollywood blockbuster with relative ease.

The first step is devising a nice punchy opener. Something along the following lines is advisable ….

“My book is about Raven Delamort, a sexually oppressed emo chick who doesn’t realise how hot she is. Having just begun classes in some random high school you’ve never heard of, Raven gets dragged into a bunch scenarios that a couple of other people have already written bestsellers about.”

This will show the agent that you really know what you’re talking about and have thoroughly researched the market.

Then what you have to is launch into a few dozen cliché ridden phrases to really get the heart pumping i.e. “Epic coming of age tale, fast paced, average teenager, Robert Pattinson, intriguing, everyday issues, Megan Fox, sexually domineering, blockbuster, strange magical powers, vampire  etc. etc. etc.” Just keep firing them out one after another for at least three pages until the reader is totally overwhelmed by your awesomeness.

At this point you’re guaranteed to have them hooked but it’s not over yet, now you need to close the show in style. This necessitates hitting them with a nice catchy title that shows how it will really appeal to the literati. Don’t be afraid to work in a few of your tried and trusted clichés again here … you know just in case somebody missed a couple first time round.

So …

“FIFTY SHADES OF TWILIGHT AND THE PHILOSOPHERS’s STONE is an intriguing and fast paced erotic fantasy. It’s an epic coming of age tale exploring everyday issues such as how an average teenager who doesn’t fit in with the popular kids deals with discovering she has strange magical powers after falling in love with a sexually domineering vampire. FIFTY SHADES OF TWILIGHT AND THE PHILOSOPHERS’s STONE is suitable for conversion to a Sci-Fi blockbuster starring Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox.”

Oh and P.S. if you have time to botch together a cover involving Robert Pattinson staring soulfully into the camera and Megan Fox looking, well, like Megan Fox, it certainly won’t hurt ….

Coming to a cinema near you!

3 Simple Ways to Create a Successful Blog

Ever wonder why your blog is languishing with a mere 50 hits a day despite all your kick ass content and awesome, well constructed musings? Well fear not! Just follow these three steps and you’ll be enjoying bandwidth issues and server crashes in no time!

Step 1. Stick up a picture of Robert Pattinson.

r patIt’s just that simple! Seriously, take a look at my stats, BP and AP – And yeah I know they’re pants, but, I believe the more erudite amongst us should be able to extrapolate.

  • Before Pattinson – 15 hits per day mainly from the missus and next door neighbour.
  • After Pattinson – 250 per day.

As you can no doubt discern, that’s a twentyfold increase off just one picture. It stands to reason that putting up 655 pictures of R-Pat (especially ones where he’s looking particularly vampirey) will result in a minimium of 163, 750 hits per day.

Now, admittedly most of those hits will be down to horny teenage twilight fans doing Google searches for “Robert Pattinson moody,” or “Sexy Vampire Robert,”  which I’m guessing is not exactly your target audience (well unless you’re gunning for the cream of the literati) but hey it’s a start right?

Step 2. Once you have enough Robert Pattinson pictures to be generating 163, 750 hits per day its time to take it up a notch.  Yup, that’s right, time to talk about how much you’re loving Game of Thrones.

Game of ThronesUnfortunately actually talking about something is a bit more involved than prowling for pictures of R-Pat – it actually requires a modicum of writing ability. But, hey isn’t that what blogging is supposed to be about anyway? Besides, today’s skilful blogger can always find ways around actually attempting to analyse the intricacies of GRRM’s plot by simply talking about the Game of Thrones TV series instead. Score!!

(N.B)  Repeatedly mention HBO’s tendancy to overdo the sex scenes, and fire up at least a half dozen pictures of cast members refering to how perfectly suited they are to their respective roles. (HINT) Focus particularly on:

Tyrion Game of ThronesDany

Dany Targaryen Jon Snow

Jon Snowand Sansa

Sansa StarkYou can mix Sansa up with Arya if you want to keep people on their toes, oh, and while you’re at it if you accidently slip in another pic of Robert Pattinson looking particularly pale and Vampire-like no harm done.

vampire pattinsonStep 3. If after having done all the above you still haven’t reached the million a day mark don’t lose hope! There is one final uber trick in the bag … Write a crappy blog post with a title something along the lines of “3 simple ways to create a successful blog” Post a link to it up on twitter, sit back and enjoy the show!

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